Am I Wrong?

"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. My weakness is that I care too much."

If you're on my Mom's side of the family, you know me as this person that doesn't care at all. I put on this act that convinces people that I'm pretty much heartless. You know that if you get on my bad side once, you'll never be able to get back on my good side. But those that are absolutely closest to me really know what my deal is. 

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Okayyy so I'm clearly having a very difficult time writing this post but I'm going to just jot my notes and publish it, thus forcing me to eventually come back and rewrite it. It's about being happy...how can we REALLY be happy? So take my Mom. She tells me that I can't say certain things to people because it's rude and it'll reflect badly upon my parents. She says we can't be happy unless we're nice to other people. She says that we can't talk about others behind their backs because it's rude. Well, Mom...your Mom is one of the nicest people I've ever met. She doesn't talk about others behind their backs. She's really polite to everyone she meets. Yet she's one of the unhappiest people I've ever met. And you're telling me to follow that example? And for what?! To make others happy? But WHY? This is MY life. I have once chance to live it. (Forget about theories on rebirth and all of that because we don't even remember such things so at the moment that doesn't count.) 

Why am I going to shut my mouth when there are feelings inside of me that make my blood boil with anger...when I could just say what's on my mind, regardless of how it'll make the other person feel?

Why am I going to "smile" around people that I very much dislike...when I can just walk away?

Why can't I just live my life? Why can't people just let me be? I'll leave them alone - trust me on that one. I just don't get it. 

I understand that I recently said we are all a team...and I do believe that. But I don't think it's healthy for anyone to have negative feelings towards another person and have to suppress those thoughts. Unless there is a chance that saying something truthful and possibly hurtful to a person will have an extremely negative consequence (suicide, depression, etc.), then it needs to be brought out to the table.

Now I'm not saying this all has to be done so that we end up having no family and friends that care about us...but I'm saying we have to be honest with each other to hopefully fix our issues with each other and really be friends, rather than have all of these fake relationships. To be completely honest, I would rather have 1 great friend than 1 million "fake" friends. 

Why lie when we can tell the truth? What kind of an example are we setting for the next generation when we smile through a family dinner and then complain about it for the next few months? What's the point? 

Again: what's the point? What's the point if we aren't happy? What's the point if we aren't smiling? What's the point if we aren't surrounded by people that TRULY love us? 

Why be around someone that doesn't really care about you? Oh gosh how I wish I could just blurt out so many examples on this but I don't know who will be reading this. (Seriously, if you ask me, I'll explain what I mean.) 

There are so many days like today where I simply want to pack up and leave. I want to take a few belongings and just start all over again. This time around, I want to pick and choose who I build relationships with and see how that works out. I want to filter out the negative people in my life, and forget about the bad relationships I've had in my life.

But obviously I would never, ever be able to do such a thing because of the people that I absolutely love with all of my heart. As many people as I dislike, there are many more that I love. They care for me, support me, listen to me, want the absolute best for me...overall, they're just GREAT.

To be completely honest, this list was a lot longer at one point in my life. But slowly, people just kept screwing me over. They constantly broke me heart. Gave them all more than once chance...but they just couldn't stop hurting me. And with that, I stopped caring. With that, people pointed fingers at me...blaming it on me simply because I was more expressive about my thoughts. (Childish as this comment may seem: that's not fair!) But I was so heartbroken that I didn't care...I let them point their fingers at me. I let them say that it was my fault. I guess I didn't realize that it would stick around forever. 

But hey, most of the time I'm totally okay with it. Yes, it hurts that people don't take out time to hear my side anymore...but if they don't want to hear me out, then that's their loss-not mine. 

After all, I'm just a girl trying to live her life and be happy. I'm learning to appreciate the good in my life, rather than worry about the bad. It's hard a lot of times, but who said it was supposed to be easy?  

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This is by far the choppiest I've ever written...but it is extremely difficult properly writing about feelings when I'm so angry and upset. But at least my thoughts are out there and I can eventually (maybe, probably not) come back and rewrite them!

So long <3