*Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the person we love pours through and shines down upon us to let us know that you are happy.*
I know I'm doing this so I don't overthink, but I have been thinking for the past hour or so what I should write about first. And then it hit me...why not dedicate it to someone that I'll never see again, that I cared about, but was too stubborn to talk to? I don't think I've sat down since her death to tell this story to anyone, but I know that I've wanted to. So here goes nothing.
When I was younger, Mom would always tell me about my cousins in Texas and other random states. I didn't care about them much, because I thought that I'd never meet them. In 2005, my cousins went to Rajubhai's wedding while I was at camp. I received a letter through my parents from my closest friend/cousin, describing how the week had been. Included in the letter was a message about how awesome this cousin of ours (Tejshreeben aka Tejalben) was. She said that Tejalben reminded her of me so much, and she knew that we would get along so incredibly well because we were so similar with our stubborn and outgoing personalities. I got excited thinking that I'd meet her soon, but that didn't happen.
The summer that Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna came out, Tejalben came to visit us in New York. We waited anxiously at the airport because this was the first time I was going to meet her. We instantly hit it off...we had such an amazing first few days. But then after that, we started having issues with each other. We had thought that our personalities would match, but instead, our personalities were so similar that they clashed. We were still trying to work things out the night we went to the movies...but I realized that night that I would never get along with her. She was rude to us that night, and she obviously wanted to separate herself from us. For the next few days, we just pretended to have fun while she was still in New York.
After she left, we only talked a few times on FaceBook. For a year or two, we resolved our issues and were friends online. We talked about random things in life, and we accepted that we were cousins and should like each other. And then we had another argument...something just as dumb as the first time. We stopped being friends on FaceBook.
A few weeks before she passed away, she added me as a friend on FB, apologized for what she had done, explained why she had been the way she was & the way she had treated me.
I read the message.
I didn't believe it was genuine.
I put replying to it on my "list of things to do".
I remembered on a random day, and decided I'd reply after midterms on Nov 4th.
Before replying, I did accept her friendship on FaceBook.
But I didn't reply to her message...
...I didn't forgive her.
On Nov 2nd, I was sitting at home watching TV when I realized that I had 3 missed calls from my cousin Jenny. I called her back. She was crying. She said: "Tejalben...gone in an accident this morning." My initial thought? "At worst, she's in a coma and she'll be fine." Then Jenny said: "She's gone...". I hung up and called Mom, who confirmed while crying. I sat there hours crying by myself, alone in New Jersey. I had never felt so lonely. The last time I had cried like this was when my Bapuji had passed away. After hours of putting myself together, I went to school...and cried more to my friends.
Why was I crying so much when we hadn't been so close? It hurt more because we weren't so close. Because I can't tell my kids all the great memories we have...because we don't have any. Because a loss is a loss no matter what. The pain is still the same.
Even now, I check her wall and pictures every day. I miss her so much each day. I cry almost every day. I miss her. I forgive her. I love her. I want her to know...
So what's my stance on death? Where is she now? Is she in heaven? Is she a star? Has she been re-born? Is she watching me? Can she hear me? Does she have my back?
Well, that's for another post I guess. If you haven't lost someone so close to you-good for you, I'm happy for you. And if you have, then I'm sorry for your loss-I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
So long. <3
**You don't know half the people I talk about, but if you follow this then I'm sure you'll eventually put two and two together. =]
I know I'm doing this so I don't overthink, but I have been thinking for the past hour or so what I should write about first. And then it hit me...why not dedicate it to someone that I'll never see again, that I cared about, but was too stubborn to talk to? I don't think I've sat down since her death to tell this story to anyone, but I know that I've wanted to. So here goes nothing.
When I was younger, Mom would always tell me about my cousins in Texas and other random states. I didn't care about them much, because I thought that I'd never meet them. In 2005, my cousins went to Rajubhai's wedding while I was at camp. I received a letter through my parents from my closest friend/cousin, describing how the week had been. Included in the letter was a message about how awesome this cousin of ours (Tejshreeben aka Tejalben) was. She said that Tejalben reminded her of me so much, and she knew that we would get along so incredibly well because we were so similar with our stubborn and outgoing personalities. I got excited thinking that I'd meet her soon, but that didn't happen.
The summer that Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna came out, Tejalben came to visit us in New York. We waited anxiously at the airport because this was the first time I was going to meet her. We instantly hit it off...we had such an amazing first few days. But then after that, we started having issues with each other. We had thought that our personalities would match, but instead, our personalities were so similar that they clashed. We were still trying to work things out the night we went to the movies...but I realized that night that I would never get along with her. She was rude to us that night, and she obviously wanted to separate herself from us. For the next few days, we just pretended to have fun while she was still in New York.
After she left, we only talked a few times on FaceBook. For a year or two, we resolved our issues and were friends online. We talked about random things in life, and we accepted that we were cousins and should like each other. And then we had another argument...something just as dumb as the first time. We stopped being friends on FaceBook.
A few weeks before she passed away, she added me as a friend on FB, apologized for what she had done, explained why she had been the way she was & the way she had treated me.
I read the message.
I didn't believe it was genuine.
I put replying to it on my "list of things to do".
I remembered on a random day, and decided I'd reply after midterms on Nov 4th.
Before replying, I did accept her friendship on FaceBook.
But I didn't reply to her message...
...I didn't forgive her.
On Nov 2nd, I was sitting at home watching TV when I realized that I had 3 missed calls from my cousin Jenny. I called her back. She was crying. She said: "Tejalben...gone in an accident this morning." My initial thought? "At worst, she's in a coma and she'll be fine." Then Jenny said: "She's gone...". I hung up and called Mom, who confirmed while crying. I sat there hours crying by myself, alone in New Jersey. I had never felt so lonely. The last time I had cried like this was when my Bapuji had passed away. After hours of putting myself together, I went to school...and cried more to my friends.
Why was I crying so much when we hadn't been so close? It hurt more because we weren't so close. Because I can't tell my kids all the great memories we have...because we don't have any. Because a loss is a loss no matter what. The pain is still the same.
Even now, I check her wall and pictures every day. I miss her so much each day. I cry almost every day. I miss her. I forgive her. I love her. I want her to know...
So what's my stance on death? Where is she now? Is she in heaven? Is she a star? Has she been re-born? Is she watching me? Can she hear me? Does she have my back?
Well, that's for another post I guess. If you haven't lost someone so close to you-good for you, I'm happy for you. And if you have, then I'm sorry for your loss-I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
So long. <3
**You don't know half the people I talk about, but if you follow this then I'm sure you'll eventually put two and two together. =]
I love you Radhu! Your blog is great, of course you brought me to tears but that just shows how genuine it is and how it's really for you. Quick question, was it me that wrote you that letter?
ReplyDeleteIt's still so difficult talking about her, right? =/
ReplyDeleteYes! When I come home, I'll find the letter if you'd like to read it. You sent me this super cute package with a family picture, McDonald's puzzle, candy and this letter. When I called you to tell you I got it and loved it, you even said on the phone which one Tejalben was because you were that sure that her and I could be so close!