No one knows how much it hurts...honestly, I was thinking about it today: we all have an extremely different relationship with every person we interact with. So no one will ever know exactly how you feel when you lose someone, right? You know the last thought I had of you before you added me on FaceBook again? I wondered if I would take out time from my life to come to your wedding...if it was worth the time and money to come to your wedding. I thought I would want to come just cause I didn't want to miss any cousins' wedding again, but then I think I decided that I probably wouldn't want to come. Does anyone understand how much that hurts? If you were alive, we wouldn't be talking. We wouldn't be friends, we wouldn't act like sisters. It hurts so goddamn much knowing that...and I'm not even learning from this mistake. I'm trying. Sometimes.
Why can't we all always just be really happy? I understand that certain situations come up, we argue, we fight, we get upset, we give each other a cold shoulder, etc. But then why don't we make up right away? What if something happens between the fight and when you're supposed to meet again? How will you feel? But then if we think like this all the time, we're going to all have such pessimistic views...and that won't really help with anything, right?
Tejalben, wherever you are, I just want you to know that one day we're not going to cry as much. We're not going to think about you as frequently as we do now. We're going to move on, we're going to feel okay, we're going to only smile when we think of you. ...that doesn't mean we love you any less. It just means that we've come to terms with life, and that we're going to hold on to the good memories and move on. I don't know when it'll happen, but it most definitely will eventually happen. When it does, please don't think anything of it. You're going to live on in our memories forever...your nieces and nephews will love you without having to meet you--that, my sister, is a promise.
On this amazingly sad note, I would like to say...Darpana Aunty, I totally expected you to walk in today when Jagdish Uncle came to Yuva Din and that completely threw me off track. It's been so long, but I can still hear your voice and incredibly beautiful laugh...wherever you are, I hope that you are resting in peace. If you're back, I know that you're making a family extremely happy and that in many years, you'll be an amazing mother again. <3
And Ramesh Bapuji, it's crazy how much our lives turned around completely after you left us. It's crazier how your family's lives are a lot better now that they've been introduced to so many great things here on Long Island. I hate it so much that you aren't here with us, but I am so proud of everyone on behalf of you. I know that you also are making a family very happy now and that you're going to be the best Bapuji to someone else...and I also know that you will somehow make sure to take care of Dada because he's not doing so great right now. I assume that you are so proud of having a father like him-after having been through so much, he's still the head of the family that's still intact.
To all of my family and friends that have passed on...I miss you. You affected me in ways you don't even know. Charles, I miss the confidence you had in me. Jagdish Bapuji, I miss going to parades with you. Mani Dadai, I miss you watching us play baseball in the summer. And the rest of you that I didn't get to know so well, I hope that are you doing better than you were here...
Know that you are all remembered. Know that I love you. Know that I miss you...
"If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh, uh oh
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time
And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a
Boy here in town who says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had, just enough time
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls"
So long <3
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